Familiar Cliches
by A Wordsmith
Summary: So hey! You want to write a fanfiction! Let me show you how to do it RIGHT! This is a step-by-step process on how to make your readers fall in love with your story!
1. MUST-HAVEs For Starting Your New Story!

Oh, hello! I hear you want to write a fanfiction of your own, but don't quite know how to make it 'riveting' and 'exciting' for your viewers. So, instead of coming up with a unique idea of your own, instead, you've decided to make another story almost word for word with the thousands out there! Great!

So I'm here to make sure you're doing it correctly. Can't have you doing this 'original'; that's a _bad_ thing. And because _bad_ is in i _talics_ , it's _really, really bad_. Yeah. All professional writers use that trick, so make sure to use italics whenever you say _bad_ to make sure they know just how _bad_ it is!

So, there's no place for you to start this other than in the summer right after Sirius was killed. Can't remember the year? It doesn't matter. Your readers can read your mind so they know exactly what you're trying to say.

But there is only _one_ _way_ _to_ _start_ to chapter - see how I used those italics? Quality content right there!

Harry must be in his room with the Dursley's, moaning - nope, _handsomely moaning_ \- about how he killed Sirius and how his friends getting hurt was all his fault. For bonus points, also have him recovering from Dursley abuse! Great start right there!

* * *

 _Harry was lying on his bed, staring up at the boring white ceiling, the boring white walls, and the - you guessed it - boring white floor. And bam, that was the only description the reader's going to get until Harry starts to upgrade his room._

 _He sighed dramatically, a single hand falling down to the side of his bed. He sighed again, searching desperately for another dramatic noise to make. The noise made him suddenly feel the pain of the 204 broken ribs he had - Uncle Vernon had been mad when he came home._

* * *

See, great start right there! Your readers will eat it up!

Also, more on the abuse. Because this is a perfect world and no one could possibly actually be abused, you don't have to do any research whatsoever on abuse and how it makes people feel! Just remember to give Harry a really _bad_ scar somewhere so he can grip about it so his Love Interest TM when they meet. Or, better yet, let him use the scars to strip in front of the Ministry or his teachers and get the Dursleys arrested! Because that's never been used before!

On a second thought, though, since no one's ever done it before, you might not want to. You don't have a thousand stories telling you just how much readers like that, so just stick with having Harry have a billion-or-so scars to whine about. Much safer.

But after, Harry's been defined as a 'poor, abused boy', then you have another problem. Because JK Rowling made Harry a scrawny boy, you have to fix that. Your precious boy couldn't possibly be not handsome or tiny, because who wants to read a realistic story? So now you have to go into amazing detail about how Harry has been working out over the past two months or something.

For the best result, make sure to make Harry have gone to martial art studio and have studied every art possible in the last two months. The best thing is that he was going on his morning run, normally about 3 to 10 miles, and then he found the store. Obviously, despite Harry having no such money in any of the previous books, Harry has enough pocket cash to buy himself a training regiment for every art they offer there.

On that, though. You don't have to make Harry having money make sense. And, really, just to be safe, you should probably make it whatever currency you use. Just so you can be sure it's correct. 'Pounds' or whatever they use isn't that important - Harry's just going to use Galleons, right?

So, after Harry's learned Tae Kwon Do and Karate and every other martial art you know or googled, you must never mention it again. Only talk about his skills when you are describing him or having him punch someone. Again, this is just amazing martial art skills, it's not like that could affect anyone's life. So really, you're set.

So now, though, you have an important task. So you haven't told anyone about how Harry found his dojo yet, or even how he started martial arts. So how are you going to introduce it? You go like this -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _ **FLASHBACK**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because in every published book, they stop all of the action and put this big ol' word right in the middle. No, they don't blend thoughts from the flashback into the text, they simply slam the flashback right in the middle of the action. So it should go something like this.

* * *

 _The noise made him suddenly feel the pain of the 204 broken ribs he had - Uncle Vernon had been mad when he came home. He could have easily stopped him but that would make him a bad person. Suddenly, Harry remembered when he had learned how to defend himself._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _ **FLASHBACK**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 _ **Harry was running on his 14 ½ mile run when suddenly he stopped. There was a dojo right in front of him! Mouth open with handsome awe, he pushed open the door and walked inside.**_

" _ **Sir! You want to learn martial arts?" A man asked. He was tall and powerful and was currently balancing on his nose hairs while performing backflips.**_

" _ **Yes," Harry said handsomely.**_

" _ **That going to cost money."**_

" _ **Oh." Harry frowned - handsomely. "I don't have any money."**_

" _ **That's fine! I teach you anyway."**_

 _ **And from there on out, Harry learned every martial art ever created.**_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _ **END FLASHBACK**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* * *

So there! You've officially created a super easy and realistic way for Harry to be super buff. But now, you have another important task. You have to describe each and every one of Harry's juicy muscles. It should probably go something like this.

* * *

 _Harry sat up from the bed. His ruffled black hair was as dark as a raven's wing and it looked like he had just come out of the shower. It was pure black but when the light hit it, it showed dark red highlights throughout his hair, just like his mother. His skin was deliciously tan, because he had been working outside so much - yummy. Muscles bulged out from the ugly shirt Dudley had given him, much larger than any child his age. His eyes stood out from his face like a stoplight, incredibly green and flashing. They were so bright they were like the sun itself, impossible to look away from. But past the endless waves of determination you could see within them, there was a deep look of a boy who just wanted to love._

* * *

Yay! Now your readers can understand every inch of Harry, because that's one hundred percent important to the plot. Also, those red highlights from Lily are very important, because if this story redeems Snape then Snape could notice the red highlights and be like 'OMG Harry's more like Lily! What was I doing being so mean to him'

Does it matter that they weren't canon? Nope!

So we have another topic to handle. Because hey, you've just spent maybe a page talking about Harry and we haven't done one of the most important things in the entire fanfiction!

Harry talking about Dumbledore!

So Harry's just lying handsomely on his bed, and now he starts to think about the Headmaster in his life. There are only a few requirements for this stage, so make sure to follow them completely -

Harry must have some form of a nickname for Dumbledore.

It could be anything from 'Dumbles' to 'Dumb-as-a-door' to 'Albus too-many-names Dumbledore'. This is a very important stage because you need to make sure that Harry doesn't like him! This just lets your readers know that Harry is his own person and therefore if he attacks Dumbledore that makes him seem independent!

Harry must think about the past five years and make everything Dumbledore's fault.

It should start with Quirrell and move up to Umbridge, because everything couldn't be someone else's - like, I don't know, Voldemort's - fault, and so therefore, it must be Dumbledore's. He is a twinkly old man, so just blame him for everything and it'll all be fine. Not that difficult, but make sure you cover _everything_ for the past five years. It's the only way to make Dumbledore seem really bad. For bonus points, mention Dumbledore leaving Harry on the Dursley's doorstep! Readers have never heard that before!

Harry must think about how Dumbledore blocked his mail.

This is also very important because it just cements how bad Dumbledore is. To block Harry's mail is so wrong it makes Harry seem like a victim, and so your readers wouldn't feel bad for Dumbledore at all when Harry eventually destroys him. See? Works perfectly!

So now you've covered how to make Harry handsome, Dumbledore evil, and how to make it perfectly okay for Harry to attack an old man.

 _Riveting_ content right there.

Next chapter we will be covering the even more important thing!

How to make Harry super powerful and have lots of money!

Till then, my faithful readers, please read and review!

Frost OUT!


	2. Get Rich Quick - Potter Shares His Story

Hey! You're still here! I have another important chapter for you here today.

So now we've made Harry a brilliant young man who's _oh-so-handsome_ and hates Dumbledore and is horribly abused by the Dursley's. Great job! Everyone loves your story.

S'not like _anyone_ has ever done this before.

You have two choices now.

One, you can go originally. You can make Harry realize that Dumbledore is bad, but also how incredibly smart and powerful he is to be able to defeat Grindelwald and strike fear in the heart of Voldemort, and have Harry just plan to slowly inch his way out from Dumbledore's control and focus all of his efforts on defeating Voldemort.

Or you could go cliche and make Harry decide to fight both Dumbledore and Voldemort at the same time!

Thank you for choosing option two. Let's go into more detail.

So while Harry's doing his little handsome sighing thing over on his bed, you have a problem. Because yeah, Harry's delicious now and this could turn into an effective romance story, but who wants to read about just a handsome Harry who's still boring and average?

 _No one_ , apparently!

So now you have to make Harry get money to buy fancy crap and then magical powers and all that jazz. I'm going to tell you how to do it properly. Because Harry's not going to get all this amazing with actual training - that'd be _boring_ \- we have to get Harry magical powers, stat.

There's only one way to do that.

We gotta go to the goblins.

First, though, Harry has to sneak out of his house. Despite the Dursley's being horrible people, they won't ever be present in this chapter, so you don't have to worry. Actually, you don't have to worry about them ever again. Harry's going to get a nice, fancy mansion to live in, and the only time they will ever appear again is when Harry brings them to court. So yeah. You're set.

But because Dumbledore is so _bad_ , he's put Order of the Phoenix members out to make sure that Harry doesn't ever escape his house. And, because you want to write a story _everyone_ will love, you can't put Kingsley or Moody or Dodge or anyone slightly good at their job, because they're too hard to write and no one's ever done them before, and that would be _original_.

That's _bad_.

It's gotta be Mundungus. No exceptions.

So he has to either be drinking or drunk and underneath an invisibility cloak, despite how rare they are. Harry can either sneak out of the house without being noticed, or…

Actually, you know what? No one does another option. Harry just sneaks out.

* * *

" _I must go out and get myself some money!" Harry bellowed out of his window. He walked out of the house, sending off firecrackers and making gunshots as he shot every window in the house._

 _Walking out, he tripped ninety different times, breaking a large glass every time. He also managed to drive a tank past and crash fourteen different cars._

 _He saw the invisible cloak on the ground next to a sleeping man._

" _Ha," Harry sniffed. "He's an idiot." He turned around and tripped walking up the street._

* * *

See? Much easier there.

So know Harry's out of Privet Drive! He's got to go to Gringotts to get some 'money', though we all know that's not all that's going to happen. So, despite Harry never having traveled to Diagon Alley from Privet Drive, he either manages to walk there or he calls the Knight Bus, conveniently forgetting he shouldn't have his money on him. Bonus points if he gives an alias to Stan! Because _that's_ never happened before!

So now he's there, and the wonderful splendor of Diagon Alley is in front of him. Despite the fact that most people can recognize Harry Potter on sight, he passes through the Leaky Cauldron perfectly fine.

So now he's walking up to Gringotts, and he greets the goblins and all that jazz.

But stop.

Because this is VERY IMPORTANT.

Harry MUST see a perfectly average goblin and march right up to it and greet him as Griphook.

He MUST.

The goblin, Griphook, MUST be so happy that Harry knows his name. You could, for bonus points, make every other goblin stop what they're doing and look over. Because that would _always happen_ because secretly, goblins are just lost little souls who just really want to be loved.

They're not happy or anything sitting on the biggest company in the Wizarding World.

Nope. Because this is Harry Potter, and the magical power is always going to be _love_.

So now Griphook is collapsed on the ground, sending out tears of gratitude that Harry remembers him, and then proclaims him 'Grand Master of Goblins' or something like that. It's your story; just spring together really cool words and add 'goblin' in there somewhere. 'Goblin friend' is rather common now.

Now Harry must be oh-so-humble and try to pass it off as nothing. For bonus points, have the other wizards look over and then treat the goblins horribly. All to make Harry look good, you know?

Harry's gotta try to take money out, and then Griphook has this little notice that says that he has to take Harry to a Magical Inheritance test.

You know what? You actually don't need any sort of explanation there. Just pretty much say 'Harry made goblin happy and now Harry gets to have blood checked'. Works every time.

Harry's now in this big, fancy room, and you MUST forget that goblins are different creatures. Only mention they look different when they smile with pointy teeth. That's it. Just imagine they are small, carnivorous humans. That's all the detail you need.

So now Harry must have himself be checked. Three different tactics are:

One, a blood test. Harry gets a pretty dagger and pricks his finger, and the blood falls on a piece of paper. There MUST be either a 'swirl of blood' or a 'flash of blood-y light' and then Harry's results with come up.

Two, goblin magic. The goblin - who MUST have some weird name like Lockbuster or Minecrapper (double points if the second word is capitalized like GoldTooth) - will wave his hands and then a piece of paper will blink into existence with Harry's results on it.

Three, Harry's magic. There will be some potion or box or paper and the goblin will tell Harry to 'direct' his magic into it. Does it matter that that's never been canon? Nope!

So now we're onto Harry's results. These are VERY IMPORTANT.

First, Harry's Lordships and money. That's pretty easy to do. Just take every single canon name mentioned, add some more, and copy and paste them onto your story. Looks something like this-

* * *

 _Name : Hadrian James Potter_

 _Lordships:_

 _Potter_

 _Evans_

 _Black_

 _Gryffindor_

 _Slytherin_

 _Hufflepuff_

 _Ravenclaw_

 _Gaunt_

 _Peverell_

 _Riddle_

 _Quirrell_

 _McGonagall_

 _Sprout_

 _Malfoy_

 _Total Amount of Money:_

 _87879438975937 Galleons_

 _58403028383 Sickles_

 _102836759201837189373 Knuts_

* * *

Don't worry about canon. If you need to, put the excuse that this is fanfiction. Works every time.

You MUST make Harry the heir of some of the founders, or all of them. So now he can lord his amazing powers over Hogwarts of his enemies because _of course,_ he will inherit that. That's just how Lordships work, right? It's not like schools are public property and therefore can't be inherited.

Silly logic.

Fanfiction.

Also, for the money, just make the two biggest numbers you can and multiple them together. And don't worry about the fact that Knuts and Sickles would have been changed into Galleons.

Fanfiction, remember?

But now we've got something even more important - Harry's _magical abilities_.

This is your most _riveting content_.

Because for this to be an amazing story, you have to make Harry _super, super_ powerful. It should look something like this.

* * *

 _Name: Hadrian James Potter_

 _Parents: James Potter and Lily Evans_

 _Magical Abilities Available:_

 _Magical Core - 99.99% Blocked by Albus Dumbledore_

 _Metamorphagus - Blocked by Albus Dumbledore_

 _Natural Animagus - Blocked by Albus Dumbledore_

 _Lightning Elemental - Blocked by Albus Dumblefuck_

 _Fire Elemental - Blocked by Albus Dumbdoor_

 _Water Elemental - Blocked by Alcuss Dumbledore_

 _DADA Prodigy - Blocked by Albus Bumbledore_

 _Beast Master - Blocked by Albus Dumbles_

* * *

Not that hard, was it? Think of every single thing you've ever read in a fantasy book and put it in here. Does it matter these powers don't exist? Nope. Does it matter that Harry should conceivably explode with all of these powers inside of him? Nope.

Fanfiction.

Will you ever mention these powers again? Only when he's bragging, training, or needs a deus ex machina.

Simple!

Though, Harry will use them to either prank/kill/maim/make jealous/look good next to Ron and Hermione, so they are important! But other than that, it's just something to be=basically shove in Voldemort and Dumbledore's face about how special he is.

Also, another important fact. Harry will only call the Headmaster by his last name. No 'Albus', no 'Headmaster', just Dumbledore. Or 'old man', 'goat-fucker', really, anything works.

Dumbledore is _bad_ , remember?

Next chapter we will talk about how those wonderful goblins, friends, and dead Sirius factor into this!


	3. Amazing- Three Backstabbing Best Friends

Whoop-de-do, everyone's still here. Welp! Onto the next chapter!

So now Harry's got himself some brand-spanking new titles, monies, and powers. Do you remember any of them?

No?

Doesn't matter! They'll never be used again.

Fanfiction.

But now we have a problem. Because Harry's deliciously handsome, powerful, rich, and a Lord to boot, he needs an enemy. Voldemort, you might say. What about him? And to you I say;

 _Nah._

Who wants to read about Harry defeating a villain in the books? It's not like all of his new powers might make Voldemort grow stronger and have them have an actual battle or anything. Nope. Doesn't work like that.

Readers want _riveting content_.

 _Riveting_.

So we need Harry to have some canon characters turned super evil that he can fight. But to fight them, he has to have some magic powers! And what a surprise that Harry just found that he had a few powers!

But so now Harry has realized that he has a tonne of blocked magics! Oh no, what is he going to do? We all know exactly what we have to do. Do we have Harry figure out how to push his magic into the blocks and break them himself?

Nope.

Do we have Harry have to brew this super complicated potion that he accidentally makes wrong, so when he drinks it something bag happens that causes a whole new plot point that creates an awesome new story?

Nah.

We have Harry go to the goblins and have them fix everything for him. Because in canon, the goblins were incredibly helpful and always ready to fix anything for the wizards. They also have a very rigid type of government that includes having a King that is either named Ragnok or Ragnarok. There is no exceptions. Also, for bonus points, make sure to have them love Harry because he's super rich.

So know the goblins know that Harry has so many magical powers that are mysteriously blocked, but they know exactly who blocked them because of their magical goblin powers. Yeah for them! But we have a bigger issue. Harry's gotta get this powers unlocked, Using goblins.

So because Harry is a Goblin Friend, the goblins decide that they have this magical ritual room that they will use for Harry, free of cost. Does it matter that they should always make it cost money because then they will have a profit?

Nope. Harry is their richest customer, so therefore, he should get this for free.

Perfect sense.

So Harry normally has to strip down but doesn't get embarrassed because the goblins aren't human, obviously. He's not body conscious at all. It's just how it works, you know. And then there's this burst of magic, Harry MUST scream in pain, and there MUST be some amazing show of powerful light. MUST.

So now Harry is super powerful and probably has this amazing aura that screams power and magic and ability.

And the goblins MUST be super amazed with Harry and everything, and then offer him some amazing bag or card or cheques where he can draw money straight out from his vault without having to visit. Perfect and _totally_ canon!

Go you!

So now Harry has amazing powers that were unlocked, and he is totally HIP and SWAG and DOPE. And stuff. But now he needs an enemy. And, before you ask again, not Voldemort.

Dumbledore.

And, for bonus points, you can also make Ron and Hermione evil as well.

Actually? You know what? That's not just for bonus points. You MUST make them evil so that Harry can have his Smack Down Enemies ™ scene.

So, after Harry's all healed and a Goblin Friend, he goes home now. Just skip that scene. You don't need it in your life, and then you'd actually have to make Harry deal with Mundungus or any other Order member that noticed him gone. Nope. Readers don't want Harry to actually face consequences for anything, so just pop him back inside his room and say it was a Portkey or something.

But now, we have to introduce Hermione and Ron. And it always MUST be in the form of a letter.

Does it matter that Dumbledore banned them from talking to Harry? Nope.

Fanfiction.

But the letters MUST look something like this.

* * *

 _Harry handsomely walked over to the window, handsomely pulling it open. A tiny pipsqueak of an owl was sitting on the rail, and it hooted at him. Harry handsomely grabbed the letter from the owl's leg, noticing that there were two and a single package, despite the fact that the owl should not have been able to support it. Forgetting everything else in his life, Harry walked over to the bed and started to read._

 _ **Hey, Harry!**_

 _ **So everything's really boring over here at Headquarters. Oh, wait! You weren't supposed to know about that!**_

 _ **Eh. Doesn't matter. I'm over it. Just like I'm over you! Haha. JK. Lol.**_

 _ **I'm with Hermione and we've spent the past few days with our tongues down each others throats. We're a totally cool couple now! Sucks about you not being able to be here with us, but, like, I don't care. Too bad.**_

 _ **Hey! Have you started your homework yet? I'm not going to because the only things the readers will use from canon me is that I'm kind of lazy and don't like homework.**_

 _ **Also,**_ **mate** _ **, don't worry about Sirius. It doesn't matter that he was totally killed by you and that it was all your fault. Don't worry about it!**_

 _ **Also, I included your present for your birthday in here. It's not spelled with loyalty potions or anything. Just open it and eat every single thing in there, please. I deeply care for you, my totally-adopted-brother.**_

 _ **Oh, wait. I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.**_

 _ **Bye mate! You suck!**_

 _ **Ron**_

 _Harry scowled handsomely at the letter. Typical. He reached for Hermione's letter, untying it form its neat knot. Because of course Hermione was neat. Harry looked back and saw that Ron's knot was messy and barely holding together._

 _Typical._

 _He handsomely unscrolled Hermione's letter and began to read._

 _ **Hello, Harry!**_

 _ **I'm at this wonderful place in France/Spain/Bulgaria/Germany, totally not at some secret Headquarters with Ron.**_

 _ **But I am with Ron.**_

 _ **Oh, we've finally decided to announce our undying love for each other! Ron's probably too shy to talk to you about it. Honestly, you boys are such prats.**_

 _ **I've finished all of my homework on the second night -**_ _Internally, Harry scoffed. He finished it on the first night_ _ **\- but I'm worried about Ron. He doesn't seem to want to do it at all! How strange!**_

 _ **Anyway, I've included my present to you in the package. I hope you enjoy it! It was super-expensive and doesn't make any sense to give it to you, but enjoy!**_

 _ **I love you!**_

 _ **Hermione.**_

 _Harry scoffed. He could see the girl's treachery from a mile away. He leaned back to the letters, noticing that, despite saying he only had two in the beginning, he now had three. He opened up and began to read the last one._

 _ **Why hello, sweet-cheeks poochum darling Harry.**_

 _ **It's me. Ginny. I love you so much. I think that we should really start dating because we fit so well together.**_

 _ **I've got red hair! All Potters fall for redheads! It works perfectly!**_

 _ **I gave you a nice gift. It's not laced with love potions, so no need to check.**_

 _ **Hugs and kisses, more kisses,**_

 _ **Ginny.**_

 _Harry smiled. He and Ginny were such good friends - she was like a sister to him!_

* * *

And then Harry has to open the gifts. From Ron, it has to be something layered with loyalty potions. From Ginny it's gotta be food with love potions.

But then you have a choice.

Good Hermione?

Or Bad Hermione?

This can decide the fate of your story. If it's Good Hermione, it's an expensive gift, probably a book, with some archaic form of magic that's super hard to learn but could kick Voldemort's butt in a single second.

If it's Bad Hermione, then pretty much anything laced in potions.

Bam.

Done!

So know we've put down the basis that Ron and Dumbledore are evil, Hermione is in between, and Ginny wants in Harry's pants. _Riveting_ content right there!  
And Harry MUST, and I mean MUST, have some amazing spell he throws at their gifts that shows him that they are poisoned. Does it matter he can't cast magic? He's a Lord now! It doesn't matter!

There you go! Another amazing chapter!

I'm so proud of you guys.

Next one; different ways for your story to go!


	4. Necessaries for a Great Start!

Next chapter!

So now you've set up the basics for your fanfiction!

Harry is the Lord of many Houses. He has unlocked powers and is a goblin friend. He is enemies with Dumbledore, Ron, Ginny, and possibly Hermione.

You're on your way to a great fanfiction!

But now there are several branches you could go.

There's the bashing path, transfer student journey, romance walkway, new school trail, and many others. But I won't cover them in this chapter; they'll take a chapter each!

So for this chapter, I'm going to talk about some last necessary things for your fanfiction. They weren't large enough for a chapter, but you need it in your fanfiction! Make sure you add these; it really brings in the readers! Because you know what it is?

 _Riveting content_.

So, first!

 **Title.**

This is needed for any fanfiction. You can't just name it _untitled_ , after all, so this is very important!

So, there are a few rules.

 _One_. It must have _Harry Potter_ in it. Do you want a short title with actual originality?

Nope. Here are some ideas you can use!

* * *

 _Harry Potter and the Change,_

 _Harry Potter and the Inheritance,_

 _Harry Potter's Secret,_

 _Harry Potter Finds His Love,_

 _Harry Potter and the Dementor's Curse._

* * *

All of those are perfect ideas because your readers won't know that the fanfiction is about Harry Potter! You can't just name your story _Dementor's Curse_. People might think it's about Twilight or something!

You can't do that to your readers.

 _Two_. It has to spoil the first plot point.

 _Harry Potter's Secret, Harry Potter and the Inheritance,_ and _Harry Potter and the Change_ are perfect examples of this. Your readers want to know _exactly_ what happens before they even read it. So if you name it _Sliver_ , they might not know what the entirety of the story is about! You can't do that!

How silly.

 _Three_! It has to match like three other titles on fanfiction.

So you name your story _Harry Potter's Secret_ , that's fine. You get the first two points, so that's two points for you! You are doing good so far. But you have one more thing to do.

And that's to check fanfiction for your title.

Let's say that four other stories have the same title. That's great! You're golden! You can go and post it right now.

But if it's an original title, you've got a problem.

No one wants a title that they can find on the first search because they don't think that's fun and exciting!

Nope. It's gotta match three others like it.

 _Then_ you're golden.

Onto the next thing you need!

 **Summaries.**

There are only a few rules for the summary, just like the title. But while there are only a few things to do for your summary, it is _very_ important to follow them.

Without these rules, that would be _bad_.

So! The first important thing to do!

 _One_. Only have one sentence about your actual plot.

While you might want to go on some amazing paragraph where you foreshadow and let hints slip out, that's not the way to go. That's original, so that's _bad_. A well thought out summary makes your readers think you are a good writer, and that alienates you from about ⅔ of most fanfiction writers, and you don't want to be different. So here are some ideas you can try out!

* * *

 _On Harry's 16th birthday, he receives a strange letter that changes everything._

 _Lily Potter wasn't a muggleborn; she was actually a pureblood, so see how this affects Harry's life._

 _Sirius didn't go to Azkaban; instead, he took Harry and ran, raising him as his own._

 _A chance meeting with Draco Malfoy will change Harry Potter's life forever and ever._

 _Harry Potter wakes up with a burning sensation over his back that doesn't seem to go away; what could this mean when Harry gets a creature inheritance?_

* * *

See? Those are perfect summaries because now everyone knows exactly what happens for the first three chapters or more! They don't have to be surprised by plot twists or anything!

Perfect.

 _Two_. They have to have warnings right in the title.

Okay. So we've got your title - _Harry Potter and the Inheritance_ \- and the first part of your summary - _On Harry's 16th birthday, he receives a strange letter that changes everything_ \- and a pretty decent start. But what do you do know?

Smack a bunch of _riveting content_ on your summary!

You have several options to choose from, so I'll go with a few common ones:

* * *

 _Harem fic! HP/HG/LL/SB/DG/SS/TR/AD/VK/FD/GD/GW/TD_

 _MAJOR Weasley (except the twins), Dumbles, and Hermione bashing!_

 _Good!Snape, Good!Dark Side, Good!Tom, Evil!Dumbledore, Evil!Order_

 _COMPLETE AU from 5th year!_

 _Warning! Slight gore and swearing in later chapters!_

 _Elemental!Rich!Powerful!Rich!Animagus!Rich!Harry_

* * *

See? These are perfectly acceptable additions to your summary!

For bonus points, make sure to add more than one!

It doesn't matter that there's an actual pairing thing on your story, or that some of these things might make good plot twists.

Fanfiction, remember?

So there you go! There's the second point down! One more to go!

 _Three_. There must be at least one misspelled word in the summary.

This shows that you are just like hundreds of other writers, so readers won't be intimidated by the fact you might actually write an original fanfiction. Don't worry about it!

Also, it can't be something simple like a quotes mark instead of an apostrophe. It has to be _big_ , otherwise, that would be _bad_.

Bonus points if you misspell more than one.

See? You're getting it!

So let's see our story so far!

* * *

 _Harry Potter and the Inheritance._

 _On Harry's 16th brithdya, he recieves a strange letter that changes everything. Elemental!Rich!Powerful!Rich!Animagus!Rich!Harry!_

 _Harem fic! HP/HG/LL/SB/DG/SS/TR/AD/VK/FD/GD/GW/TD_

* * *

See! Look at the quality content right there!

Oops. Sorry. Not quality.

 _Riveting_.

My bad.

So know we've got your title, your summary - what else do you need? Well, there's only one more thing for this chapter; I hope you enjoy it! You MUST follow it,despite the fact you might want to do otherwise.

This is _very important_.

 **Length**.

So! You have this wonderful story right here, and it's all doctored up to be perfectly like every other fanfiction out there! But we do have one problem.

You can't let it go on.

Now, there's a reason for this. Because your story is based upon cliches, we have a problem. There's only so many cliches you can actually do!

So, to prevent you from slipping into actual originality, you have to stop your story at around 10,000 words.

You can go a bit farther or a bit shorter, but there isn't really an exception. Because eventually, you will run out of _riveting_ content, and then you might get an idea that hasn't been written before. That is _bad_. Because then people might not like your story because it's original and actually quality, so we can't have that.

Nope.

You have to make sure to cut it off rather quickly. That's very important.

So let's go and check out our story so far! I hope you all enjoy it!

* * *

 _Harry Poter and the Inhreitance._

 _On Hary's 16th brithdya, he recieves a strange letter that chnges erything. Eleental!Ric!Pwrful!Rich!Animagus!Rich!Harry!_

 _Harim fic! HP/HG/LL/SB/DG/SS/TR/AD/VK/FD/GD/GW/TD_

 _WORDS: 3,297_

* * *

Oooooh, look at those misspelled words! Perfect story right there!

So we've got our story. We've got a short first chapter prepared. And that's the last things we have to talk about.

 **Chapters**.

There is only one rule for chapters; they can't be long.

Who wants to read a long chapter? Something over two thousands words might actually have enough room for character development or something else drastic like that.

In fact, with all that room for words, you might even come up with an original idea!

The very thought!

So instead, you are going to keep your chapters 1000 words long. In fact, for an even better result, you can have them even shorter! They don't need to be a page long. Less is always more.

Also, for another fact, don't publish them even if you've written them! You have to wait a couple of months at the very least. This gets all of your readers filled with tension as to what could happen next.

They won't get bored and move on or anything.

Silly thought right there.

Hello! Our next chapter will be all about different things you can do with your story.

Also, I recently got a comment about a poor writer that was confused about how to insert marriage laws into their story! We can't have that because then that would be one less cookie-cutter story! So the next chapter will also talk about marriage laws and the pairings they can bring!

So, to stop my lovely readers from being too confused about something, I will write chapters about things you don't know how to write about!

Oh, how I'm helping the fanfiction world.


	5. Marriage, Pair-age, and Fluff!

Why hello, readers!

I'm here - finally - to prove a point.

How many of you were sitting on the edges of your seats? Waiting patiently for the screen to refresh to see whether I updated? Curled up in a screaming ball as the days went by that I didn't update?

But that's all okay now because I've updated! See, I made you _wait_ for this chapter, so obviously you'll like it more! Genius!

But anyway, now it's time to start the chapter. I hope you enjoy!

This time, I'll be talking about marriage laws and the pairings that come with. First, we must focus on the first chapter, because ignoring that would be _bad_ and we don't do _bad_ here.

Remember that.

So. The first thing you have to figure out is who your main character is. You can't focus on anything else until you figure that out. Thankfully, you only have a few options here, or otherwise, you'd become original!

So, it's either Harry or Hermione. Does it matter that neither of them are purebloods?

Nope!

The most common thing that you can do is whether you can't to write slash or not. Slash? Do Harry. No slash? Hermione.

Thankfully, because you are a fanfiction writer, you choose Harry. Thank you.

Let's continue.

We have four options here, despite the multitude of male characters here. We can go for peers or we can go older. Surprisingly, there's only one option for peers. Draco Malfoy.

Drarry.

The basis of all slash relationships.

So let's say who choose him, but let's just see what other options who have.

For a bit of awkwardness, go for Remus Lupin! For the handsome misunderstood evil dude, try Lucius Malfoy! For perfectly legal teacher-student relationships, click Severus Snape!

But we're going to stick with Draco because he's the most common.

And, also, Draco gives us another bonus - he's a pureblood, which means that we can blame the marriage law on pureblood-ishness.

Okay. So here's what your law will be - you don't have an option in this.

* * *

 _Albus Dumbledore walked up on stage, waving grandfather-ly and his eyes twinkling wildly. He grabbed a bag of lemon drops from his podium and ate a few. Then he pulled out a professional-looking scroll._

" _Students of Hogwarts! The Ministry of Magic has seen it fit to lay upon thou a law of marriage." He cleared his throat and began to read, ignoring Draco and Harry's panicked looks._

" _Any student of pureblood descent shall be married to another student of pureblood descent, ignoring age, House, gender, likeability, willingness, and even abuse." Dumbledore squinted at the page. "Ah. Subclass B 4A also states that any halfblood with famous titles, such as the Boy-Who-Lived, will also be subject to this law."_

 _Harry fainted._

* * *

See? Now Harry and Draco can get married!

But don't worry about any other purebloods in the school. Maybe have a two paragraph thing of Ron being forced to marry Pansy or not.

All that matters is Harry and Draco right now.

So, after that little thing, Harry and Draco must meet. Because the Minister of Magic - remember that old fool? He was probably bribed or threatened or Imperiused or -actually, it doesn't matter. You don't have to explain anything.

This is fanfiction.

Anyway, subclass O 9P says that Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter shall be wed within five minutes of hearing the law.

So then the next chapter should be Harry and Draco marching up the aisle, wearing fancy stuff. This is _must_ happen.

* * *

 _Harry walked up the aisle, grimacing all around. Molly Weasley was in the front row, bawling her eyes out about how 'cute' he looked._

 _He hated this. Why did he have to marry Malfoy?_

 _Though, honestly, Dr-Malfoy didn't look that bad. Those robes were particularly tight fitting and that arse…_

 _Harry looked away, blushing furiously. No! He hated Dr-Malfoy!_

* * *

See? That's perfect.

We've completed the checklist.

One; Harry hates the idea of this entire thing.

Two; he nearly calls Draco 'Draco' before correcting it to Malfoy. Aw, the angst!

Three; he notices how _good_ Malfoy looks in the robes. ~ _mm mm_ ~

There you go!

So now, add in one chapter of poorly written arguing as Harry and Draco move into couple's chambers - who cares that they didn't exist, this is fanfiction - and make sure to have one scene where Draco insults Harry's parents.

Then you're perfectly set up for Harry to cry about how the Dursley's abuse him, and then Draco to comfort him and reveal that Lucius abuses him, too.

Then, the rest of the story must be fluff as they realize that they were perfectly meant to be and why did they ever hate each other and they were soulmates the entire time! WOW!

Now, there should probably be a chapter about where Ginny tries to break the two up and marry Harry herself, but then the law comes down and makes her marry Lucius or something.

Then your readers will laugh every time you mention that because they've seen it so many times that they always know its a joke!

Good for you!

Keep writing.

Now, there is an Obligatory Kidnapping Scene (™) where either Harry or Draco gets kidnapped by evil people, probably Death Eaters. Remember, Draco renounced the Dark Lord because he and Harry were meant to be and he couldn't be evil and still love Harry!

Then the non-kidnapped person will break down the walls, single-handedly kill every Death Eater there, and rescue the other. Then Voldemort will come in, roaring about evilness and how 'you won't win this time, Potter!' and then die by the power of _true love_.

Then Draco and Harry go back to Hogwarts, kissing and generally having a fluffy ol' time. Make sure to have them be very - er - _passionate_ for only having been married about a week ago.

Man, we don't have time for character development! This is fanfiction!

So anyway, Dumbledore and Fudge have to announce to the world that Voldemort is dead, but Draco and Harry don't care.

Because aw! They're together!

But now, there are only two more things to cause angst.

One, Lucius - remember, Ginny doesn't matter in this scene, just forget her - has to come back and try to beat Draco or something, and Harry must defend him. Then everyone in the Wizarding World will see that Lucius is evil, and he will be locked in Azkaban, and Draco will be left alone.

Make sure to give them an entire chapter of Harry just comforting Draco. Readers will eat that up - everyone loves having one character repeating the same things over and over and over again to a constantly crying character!

But we have to have one more angst scene - where Rita Skeeter somehow manages to get a picture of Harry's poor whipped back -

Hold up.

I nearly forgot.

Okay, so let's think back to the first book. How Harry was withheld food and locked in the closet.

Throw that all out the window. None of it matters anymore.

 _This_ is what really happened.

Every time Uncle Vernon came home, Harry had several bones broken, bruises covering every inch of his skin, and was whipped along his back.

 _Every single night_.

You don't have a choice in this matter. Remember the first chapter of this fanfic? Readers will _eat up_ this abused stuff. SO just make sure to keep doing it.

Because remember, abuse doesn't actually exist, and you can say whatever you want about it! Realistically be damned!

Okay. Back to the fanfic.

So Harry's been abused, and Rita gets pictures. She publishes an article talking about how their 'savior was abused! Oh woe oh agony'

And now there's _another_ chapter where all that happens is Draco comforting Harry. Really, you can just copy and paste the previous comfort chapter and just switch the names. Easy.

Then Draco confronts Rita, makes her very sad, and then Harry and Draco disappear off to their honeymoon.

For bonus points, make this a mpreg! Because that totally could happen and isn't biologically impossible.

And Harry always bottoms. Don't forget about that.

So now they have an adorable child that someone only took three days to be completely grown and born, because ain't nobody got time for 9 months of pregnancy!

This is fanfiction.

So now, they've got an adorable child. They must be named either 'Lily' or 'James', based on the gender.

They _must_.

How you end the fanfic is by Draco and Harry waving their child off to Hogwarts, skipping all the years of them growing up. Maybe have Harry be pregnant again.

Aw, the fluff!

So! There's your marriage law chapter!

What are my loyal readers confused about now? What do you want to read next?

Remember, I always deliver! So just leave what you're confused about in the reviews below, and I"ll make sure to write a chapter about it!

Enjoy this chapter!

Please read and review!

Frost OUT!


	6. Time Travel Story - SHOCKING!

Hello, dearly beloved readers! Welcome to another chapter on the railroad of Harry Potter cliches!

So, this fanfiction seems to be picking up speed, which is both good and bad. The good thing is that I'm helping the world of fanfiction writers so much! I know that every one of you has been tempted by the evils of originality, and I'm here to fight back against that!

But the bad thing is that there is only so many cliches, so I need people to tell me what they want to be taught!

I can't help you if you don't help me first!

So, I am listening to two people who want to learn about something _important_.

Today, we will be covering something that is in at least 1 in every hundred fanfictions: time travel.

Yes. This is a _very_ important topic for everyone to know how to write, as it's so common.

And because it is so common, there are _hundreds_ are cliches to riddle your story with! So really, it's just smart to do this one.

Let's get started.

First, you don't have a choice on who to do. It's always going to be Harry, though you have a choice on _when_ to put him.

There are four options, but only two are actually cliched enough so that you know the readers like them.

Remember, readers want _riveting content._

 _Riveting_.

The two you _can't_ do are one when Harry goes back to the Founder's time. It's pretty cliched, but there's just simply not enough for you to write everything word for word of other stories.

But if you do want to write it, make sure the Founders are as completely cliched as possible, and pretty much copy and paste Voldemort but with a different name, and have Harry defeat it. Bam.

The other one is Harry goes back in time and raises himself. Okay. NO.

One, there's only like one hundred stories for this idea, and that's _not okay_. There are barely any cliches for this, so people don't already know everything that happened!

And that would be _bad_.

The other two are _much_ easier to do, but one is still better than the other. We'll cover the more cliched one in detail, but we'll touch on the other one.

You need to be fully prepared to write the most cliched story you can!

The sort of cliched option is that Harry goes back to the Marauders, but there is a bad thing for that.

We don't know barely anything about the Marauders' age. We know they tried to kill Snape, they became animagi, and they pranked people.

But that's _it_ , and that's why it's hard to write cliches for those stories. People always think of it differently, and so all of the stories are different! That can't happen!

But we know a little, and so it is still possible to write a fanfiction like this. Just make sure it's only around ~3000 words so you don't stray into originality. And there are only a few rules to follow - make Sirius a sex god, Remus a meek bookworm, James a pranking badass, and Pettigrew someone evil and cruel. Harry also should go to school under a different name and defeat Snape. Bam. There's your story.

But as you'd eventually run out of cliches, you really only have one option.

Harry's gotta go back to his younger body.

Canon? Nope. Does it matter? Also nope! This is fanfiction, and logic doesn't matter here.

So, we've got Harry living in some post-apocalyptic world where you have three options.

One, Voldemort won, and now Harry's going back in time to stop him.

Two, Harry decided that too many people died and he's going back to save them.

Three, he accidentally touches something or is hit by a spell and goes back.

It doesn't really matter what you choose. All of them send Harry back in time and have little effect on the plot, other than a few paragraphs of Harry angsting about how many of his friends were killed.

So. Let's just go with option two. Harry finds a magical spell that can send his body back in time to -

Wait. When do you want to send him back?

Only one option. To right before he gets his Hogwarts letter.

You have no choice. Glad we cleared that up. Back to the plot.

Harry finds the spell and goes back to his body. This is what it should sound like -

* * *

 _Harry sucked in a deep, handsome breath. He stretched out his powerful wand and chanted something powerful in latin, sounding very powerful. Blue sparks flew from the tip of his wand, brilliant and powerful and brilliant and powerful and_ blue _._

 _They powerfully swirled around Harry in a powerful swirl, flinging up his shaggy, just-got-out-of-bed, messy black hair._

 _Then, there was a powerful burst of powerful light, and Harry disappeared in a handsome burst._

 _There was only silence, and Harry was wrapped in a ragged blanket._

 _He woke up and saw only darkness above him._

 _Opening his mouth in a handsome yawn, Harry looked around._

 _Oh._

 _This was his cupboard._

 _That was… unexpected._

* * *

See? Very little description. Perfect.

Er - I mean, _riveting_.

So now, Harry has to emerge from his cupboard, looking majestic and handsome and powerful, despite being 11 years old. Then he storms up to the Dursleys' and spouts some crap about how they have to treat him better.

At least, for the few hours until his letter arrives.

Don't worry about having Harry actually look powerful. Just have him twitch his fingers and do something wandless magic-y and force them to obey.

Because Potters always enjoy muggle-baiting. Right?

Fanfiction.

Then the letter arrives, Harry must send it back, and then there is a VERY IMPORTANT SCENE.

It is VERY IMPORTANT.

When the letter arrives, you must switch to Dumbledore's perspective and talk about how evil he is.

It should go something like this.

* * *

 _Dumbledore grinned wickedly as he popped lemon drops in his mouth over and over again. He cackled evilly as he thought about what he was going to do to Harry Potter this year._

 _Ah, the evilness…_

 _Suddenly, a brown owl fluttered in the window. He grabbed the letter attached to its legs and started to read._

 _In startling amazing handwriting, the letter read -_

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I accept your request of me to go to your school. Here's your reply.

Sincerely, Harry Potter

 _Dumbledore howled in rage. Harry knew! How could he know?_

 _It didn't matter that he could just simply be following the instructions on the letter._

 _HE KNEW..._

* * *

After that, you're golden!

There is literally only one thing you can do now. So now Harry knows the future, has amazing abilities and spells he knows, and a desire to change the future!

Easy.

Don't change anything.

Because all you have to do is replay the next books while just doubling Harry's powers. That's it.

Nothing changes. Just the books over and over again, but with extra wandless magic.

You could make Harry get new friends, but really, it doesn't matter. Just give him Ron and Hermione. Make Dumbledore a little evil, but Harry's powerful enough to just blow through any challenges put in front of him. Don't worry about it.

Because Harry knowing everything couldn't change anything.

Although, a good idea is to have Harry confront several Death Eaters and be all cool and have his standard Beat Up Enemies Scene. Good job. Probably Lucius, though it depends on whether you want to redeem Snape or not.

Lucius is the best, though, because everyone does him, so you know the readers enjoy it!

But now what?

Nothing.

You discontinue the story as soon as humanly possible. Because while readers want the _riveting_ content that is the books copied nearly word for word with an extra bit of powers, you have a duty to the fanfiction world, and that is to write more stories! So, as soon as you do _anything_ other than writing this story, forget it and say any of these things:

UP FOR ADOPTION

DISCONTINUED

TEMPORARY HIATUS

PERMANENT HIATUS

LOST INTEREST

WILL ONLY UPDATE WHEN I GET 50 REVIEWS

See, easy-peasy!

Your readers will totally accept this answer and will wait patiently for your next wonderful, cliched chapter.

Now you're set. Nothing left to do except start a new story!

And boy, do I have more that you can write about!

What do you feel about a story on OC characters? I need to make sure that people have the most Mary Sue OCs you can have!

Wait for the update!


End file.
